How to Effectively Parent Deeply Feeling Kids: A Guide for Frustrated Parents

Spoiler: Studies show that up to twenty percent of children are highly sensitive or deeply feeling, meaning their nervous system processes sensory and emotional information more deeply and intensely than most. As a parent, it's important to understand how to support and guide deeply feeling kids through these big feelings. Setting clear expectations for yourself and your deeply feeling child is the very best way to start. After that, I have a fun idea that will give your highly sensitive child more confidence when facing difficult situations.

Signs of a Deeply Feeling Kid

So, super quick – do you have a deeply feeling kiddo?

One of the key things for DFKs [deeply feeling kids] is that their vulnerability sits so close to their shame. It's almost like they can't feel vulnerable in an emotion without shame getting activated as well. And so what does that mean? They shut down. They push parents away when they actually need parents the most. They say “Get out of my room, I hate you!”when they actually fear abandonment in that exact moment.

Dr. Becky Kennedy

Sound familiar?

How Parents Struggle With Having A Highly Sensitive Child

I want to first chat about the elephant in the room, so to speak. Yes, deeply feeling kids struggle in many situations. But we, as parents, are struggling too. And it's not just a struggle with how to gently parent these children. It's deeper than that.

We struggle with embarrassment, shame, and guilt over our child's behavior. Sometimes, we overreact and feel guilty about our response to our child. If that isn't enough, we struggle with the feeling that our child's behaviors reflect our success or failure at parenting. Put simply, we feel like we must be bad mothers. And we wither at the idea that we are being judged and others see us as bad parents.

The Struggle To Help Family Understand Your Emotional Child

If I know anything, I know this one thing: despite what all the Instagram feeds look like, every parent and every child has bad moments. Bad reactions. Bad choices. And none of those moments, reactions, or choices defines who we are. Not for our kids. And not for us moms.

Maybe you've been embarrassed by your child's behavior. It doesn't help when everyone else's children are seemingly charming and compliant little angels. (Trust me, they probably aren't…) The comparisons, even if not voiced aloud, are palpable. When one of the grandkids chats it up with grandma and grandpa like everybody is on the “Ellen” show while your child is hiding under a table or in another room, it's easy to feel like the horrible parent of an awful kid.

It's all too common to feel judged and misunderstood. And it's hard not to feel like everyone in your family sees you as the one who is a total failure at the most basic joys of being a woman – motherhood.

Explaining to family members never really seems to help either. That always becomes an invitation to judge. I've heard it all, “He just needs to toughen up.” “If you took his iPad, I bet he'd get it together.” “You have to show her who's boss.” And so many more misguided pieces of “concern” hurled at you as straight-up judgment.

Be Clear With Expectations: Theirs and Yours

What's that quote? “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” – Benjamin Franklin.

Yes, my strategy is simple, old-fashioned preparation for you and your family to thrive in challenging situations. I work to prepare my deeply feeling kids for new experiences. This is one rule to definitely live by with sensitive and emotional people during the holidays. You must prepare! Here's the how-to low down:

First, have a conversation about what they can expect. Try to give them the information the way a journalist would share it. By that, I mean let them know who, what, when, why, and where. Is the venue one they are comfortable in and familiar with? What is the event? Is it a formal sit-down dinner or a casual cross-country ski outing? Who will be there? Children love to know that they will see a friend or two. Explain when you will be going and how long you will be staying. Why are you going? Is this an event you're attending because it will be fun or a more formal obligatory office function? You likely have different expectations of your children in different situations, and understanding why really helps them be at their best!

Always let your children know the level of interaction that they will have with you. Will you always be with them? Or will they be on their own with friends? Can they come to find you if they need you? This information will help younger children feel more secure and tip older ones off to your expectations.

Second, let them know what your expectations are. How do you expect them to behave? For older kids, this may just be more of a reminder. For younger kids, they will need a more detailed explanation with examples.

Third, make suggestions and even brainstorm about ways that you can support them so that they will easily meet your expectations. You can really turn this into a fun experience or game—no matter the age of your child. Elementary-age children love role-playing! Both role-playing and modeling your expectations are great ways to prepare younger children for what they will encounter.

Role Playing Can Help Prepare Deeply Feeling Kids Of All Ages

If you work with your kids to prepare them for new situations or give a quick reminder, it can make a world of difference in how they respond. You can do this no matter how old your kids are. And you can even go as far as role-playing a specific scenario that might be nerve-wracking for them. This definitely even works for middle schoolers and high schoolers – although everyone may feel awkward at first. Go through it as many times as it takes to make them feel comfortable. When kids feel confident instead of worried and insecure, your family will reap the benefits of that confidence.

If necessary, have a conversation with friends or family beforehand. Tell them what you need to help your child be successful. Is there a quiet place to take a break? A minute to catch some fresh air? A moment alone with you, away from the festivities?

All of this preparation makes them feel experienced and smart and gives them confidence that they will be successful. Think about it this way: You wouldn't go into a presentation at work unprepared, would you? You would rehearse beforehand, maybe even ask a friend or colleague to listen to your presentation. This preparation is the same thing for your child.

Here's a little extra tidbit: practicing / role-playing actually begins to build pathways in their brain that will make the real-life situation easier and more “familiar.” Younger kids will require more detailed conversation, practice, and brainstorming, but older kids may just need an opportunity to practice ahead of time. Based on this research, I've created the “Real Life Rehearsal” cards for your and your child to anticipate situations and role-play responses:

Nerd Alert!!! Puppets. 🎭

One silly but effective way to role-play is with puppets. And, it really does work with all but the oldest teens (and, frankly, even they may surprise you). It's a fun way for both parent and child to assume another identity and discuss or role-play situations – with or without the rehearsal cards – that could be difficult or even awkward for mom and kids to talk about.

When You Can't Prepare Your Deeply Sensitive Child

Finally, I also let them know that there may be some situations that we can't anticipate or talk about. For these situations, I often provide a few words or phrases that they can use to remove themselves from a situation that feels overwhelming. This is early training in self-advocacy which is such an important skill! These are the same phrases that adults often use, such as:

Surprises are sometimes just life! I remind them that I'm confident in their ability to make good choices and tell them that I expect them to make the best choices given what we've talked about. Tell them this, and watch them puff up with pride! So, helping kids and your whole family survive the holidays and actually celebrate them joyously comes down to preparing your kids for what lies ahead.

And if you think about it, as adults, we like to be prepared too!

Examples of supporting children may include staying for a limited amount of time, bringing activities that will occupy them or that they can share with friends, bringing food that you know your child will like and eat, making sure there is a quiet room they can take a break in or anything else you can brainstorm! Even preparing for

You've Got This, Mama!

When you understand the needs of your deeply sensitive child and provide a safe and secure environment, you can help your sensitive child learn to navigate overwhelming situations. Ongoing support for your deeply sensitive child is the best support in addition to preparing them for specific situations. With preparation and support, children can learn to manage their emotions. Remember, it's not about changing your child or their sensitive nature – they are just fine the way they are. The world needs sensitive people. Instead, it's about guiding them to thrive in a world that doesn't always understand their sensitivity.

I can't think of a better gift of love to give your child than a true, deep understanding of who they are and what support they need to succeed. The gift of not asking them to change or trying to “toughen them up” is simply listening to and accepting them for who they are and supporting them to be themselves.

Always be your best, whatever that looks like for you today.

xoxo, Karen