Why TEENS Hate Your Pep Talks (The Reason Is Surprisingly Simple)

Spoiler Alert: Your kid says, “I can’t do it,” and your brain screams, “Yes you can, baby! I believe in you!” Plot twist: that pep talk might be pushing them further away. In this post, I'll unpack why “You can do it!” can accidentally backfire—and what to say instead so you can learn how to validate your child's feelings. Think less motivational speaker, more emotional intelligence ninja. I'm sharing real-life moments, doable scripts, and zero judgment. This is all about turning your everyday struggles into powerful connections with your kids by learning how to validate someone's feelings.

Coffee, and Blog Posts and Cavities, oh my!

Years ago, after dropping our boys at school, I spent the morning chatting with a friend over coffee. We sat outside, soaking in the crisp autumn breeze and warm sun like lazy TikTok cats. I told her I was struggling with a heart-wrenching post that just wasn’t coming together. I couldn’t get it right, no matter how hard I tried.

She meant to encourage me, but what she said backfired.

“You’re site is awesome! You can do it!”

I knew she was trying to be supportive. I know she meant well. But in that moment, I thought, “Um… Hellur???? Did you hear me? I literally just said I can’t get it right.”

And it hit me: my emotional reaction to her words felt familiar. Something I'd forgotten from a long time ago.

I remembered sitting in the dentist’s chair as a little girl with a cavity that needed filling. My mom assured me it wouldn’t hurt.

It hurt.

Later, when I told her it had hurt, she brushed it off. “Oh, you’re fine. Don’t be silly; it didn’t hurt that bad.”

YES. It did hurt. Did she not hear me? If she did, she wasn’t listening. What she said didn’t match my experience.

What's the Big Deal with Validating Someone's Feelings?

So why would it be any different when our kids feel like they’ve failed at something? Learning how to validate someone's feelings starts with simply honoring what our children are willing to share – even when we don't agree with it.

We need the people we love to recognize our disappointment when we can’t do something that matters to us. I needed that from my mom when I said the dentist visit did hurt. I didn’t need fixing. Instead, I wanted her empathy. I needed to feel her on my side.

And now, I try to give that to my kids.

Let’s face it—whether my child can or can’t do something doesn’t matter in that moment. If he believes he can’t, then that feeling is real to him. And my job isn’t to argue about it or convince him he's wrong. My job is simply to hear it and to make space for him to process and respond to it.

Because when a child says, “I can’t do it,” and we reply, “Yes you can!” it backfires for one simple reason:

They don’t believe us. They just said that their life experience is the opposite.

We Can't Connect When We Judge

When we tell our kids, “You can do it,” it’s easy for them to internalize something we never meant to say—that doing it is the expectation. That our approval, our pride, or even our love might depend on the outcome.

In a word: judgment.

So when they don’t succeed, and we respond in a way that makes them feel unheard—or worse, like they’ve let us down—we miss a powerful opportunity for connection. And instead of feeling closer, they feel more alone and more disconnected.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing we can do is simple, but not always easy:

Just listen.

No judgment. No advice. Don't give pep talks or silver linings.

Only listening to acknowledge what they’re feeling. Sit with them in the discomfort. Hold space while they weather the emotional thunderstorm.

And when the storm passes, and if they’re willing, we can gently help them figure out what comes next. Not because we’re pushing them to bounce back faster, but because we’ve already shown them they’re not facing it alone.

Three Communication Skills That Build Connection

But how can moms create those moments of connection when our teens open up instead of clamming up? There are three core skills that work together like a conversational trifecta: active listening (hearing to understand, not to rebut), reflection (confirming what you heard so they know you get it), and validation (honoring their feelings without judgment). Master these, and you become the safe place your teen keeps coming back to. Here's how each one works:

Active Listening Is Listening To Understand, Not Rebut

Here’s the thing about listening: we should aim to be active listeners. It's true, I am technically “listening” while my brain performs its mental gymnastics and sticks the landing on a perfect rebuttal to respond to what you're saying. But that also means I'm not listening to understand your situation and experience. It means I'm listening to go on the offensive. #sadbuttrue.

Many times, this is how we listen. Maybe not as competitively or aggressively as I tend to default to – but with the intent of responding or rebutting and not with the intent of understanding. We’re formulating our next point, prepping a pep talk, or figuring out the perfect next thing to say, before our kids have even finished talking.

When our tweens and teens allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to share with us, and we jump into solution mode, it can feel like we’re not with them in the moment. The moment of feeling their emotions gets interrupted by our “solutions.” Or it can feel like we don't have confidence in their ability to problem solve.

It's not because we’re trying to shut them down, but because we want to help. We want to fix it, make it better, and to make them feel better.

When our kids are come to us, they want one thing: for us to see them and what they are going through. They want us to witness their experience. That's it. Not helping, fixing, or strategizing.

For every encounter, they just want to know, “Did you hear me? Did you see me? Did I say anything that mattered?”

So the goal for me is always to be striving to listen to my kids with that in mind, with the intention of validating that my child being here, speaking to me, and taking the time to do this with me, is important to me because you matter to me. Oprah Winfrey

When we intentionally slow down and truly listen – not to fix, not to win, but just to hear them, we show our kids that they don’t have to perform their pain to be taken seriously.

They get to just be. And they graciously allow us to share the moment with them.

Nuggets of Wisdom from a Coffee Drive-Through

I think of this step like being a Barista. Just like Starbucks reads your order back to confirm accuracy, we can reflect back what teens say to confirm that we understand. Confirming their experience is not the same as agreeing – it's just a confirmation that we heard correctly and understood.

To do this, you can paraphrase (if it was something short); summarize (if it was a bit longer); or ask for clarification if you are unsure.

So, instead of “I have one grande, triple-shot, half-caf, no foam, extra hot, soy milk latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla syrup, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and a light drizzle of caramel on top in a venti cup and one blueberry muffin.” You can say, “so you were in the middle of class when somebody passed you a note saying that Makenzie cheated on her boyfriend with Brendon's cousin? Do I have that right?”

How to Validate Someone's Feelings

I bet you're thinking – I'm not telling my child they can do something if they really can't do something.

Here's the thing about validation: It's not about agreeing with your child's feelings of despair but acknowledging that their emotions exist. And that is what makes them feel seen, heard, understood, and loved.

As moms, how do we validate our child's emotions? I'll break it down into pieces you can use right away: starting with what validation is; what are its benefits; and what it sounds like when your teen is losing it in the kitchen.

What Validation Actually Is

According to Harvard, validation “can help people feel heard and understood, [and] is especially useful when navigating emotionally charged situations. Validating someone shows you understand their feelings and point of view, even when you disagree. It establishes trust, helping the other person feel supported and open to discussing solutions.” Validation: Defusing intense emotions

Validation isn't about agreeing with your child or telling them they're right when they're clearly not. It's an acknowledgment that their emotions exist and are real to them. It doesn't matter whether or not you share their perspective. You're not saying “You're right that your teacher is the worst human on earth and deserves a Molotov cocktail before the break of dawn.” You're saying “I see this feels terrible for you right now.”

As you can imagine, validation only works after you've already done the listening part. You can't honor your child's feelings if you haven't understood them first.

Compassionate conversation means that before we jump in with solutions, reassurance, or (bless our well-intentional hearts) a pep talk, we first need to listen with the intention of understanding and then reflect back what our child has shared which communicates that we understand what they are saying.

Remember the first two communication skills – active listening and reflecting back what you heard (you exceptional barista, you…)? Validating feelings is the next step after you've actively listened and understood your child's situation and then reflected back what you heard to confirm that you got it right.

Next comes a bit of empathy. Empathy is the tool you use to validate someone's feelings in real time. It's the bridge you need to build between frustration and connection. To make your child feel safe to move from shutting down to opening up.

Why This Works

When we validate, we're saying: I see you. I hear you. I get that this moment is hard for you.

I don't usually give you quotes that are totally unscientific. But, this has always stuck with me: In the sea of humanity interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, there is one thing that her thousands of interviews have in common.

“”Did you hear me? Did you see me? Did I say anything that mattered?”.”

– oprah winfrey

And here's the magic—when kids (or honestly, anyone) feel like they don't have to prove how bad something is, they stop fighting to be understood. They can start moving through the feeling instead of getting stuck trying to convince you of their experience.

Because their emotions aren't being dismissed, debated, or downplayed. They're being honored.

And that? That's how trust is built.

Validation also teaches kids to trust themselves. If we keep saying things like, “It's not that bad,” or “You're fine,” we're quietly teaching them to second-guess their feelings. To override their instincts.

But when we acknowledge their frustration, disappointment, or sadness, they learn something powerful: emotions aren't dangerous. They're not something to push away. They're something you can feel, understand, and move through.

That's how emotional intelligence starts. One moment of validation at a time.

What to Say Instead

This practice can transform your child's response from “UGH, you don't get it” (or worse 😤) to “Yeah, okay. You're listening.” It's a way to show that you care.

Because nothing slams the door on conversation faster than someone telling you that you shouldn't feel the way you do.

Here's a framework you can look to whenever you need it:

Now let's throw in some details. So when your tween or teen says, “I'm the WORST at this! I can't do it!”

Instead of: “You're amazing! Of course you can do it!”

Try: “It sucks [to be picked]. I know you really wanted [to make the baseball team].”

Notice: I'm also not suggesting that you agree and say, “You're right – you are the worst baseball player!”

For our older kids, I love the follow up of, “So do you have thoughts on how to handle [not making the team this year…]?” or “So what do you want to do next?”

For younger kids, the perfect add-on is, “That's true. You can't do [insert thing here] YET…” (and you probably don't want to say “sucks” to your littles, or maybe even your big kids. You do you!) Here's my story about “yet” and encouraging a growth mindset.

So when your teen says, “I'm so stupid! I failed my Econ test.”

Instead of: “I'm sure it's not that bad.”

Try: “Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. You must be awfully disappointed.”

Notice: I'm also not suggesting that you agree and say, “You're right – you are so stupid!”

And next: “What do you want to do about it?”

One more practice run: when your teen says, “It's no wonder Choloe broke up with me; she's right. I'm gross.”

Instead of: “Well, it's her loss.”

Try: “Oh dude. I know that hurts. I'm sorry. You must be awfully disappointed. Want to have ice cream and watch a movie?”

Teaching Tweens & Teens to Trust Themselves

Every child needs to learn how to trust the messages their body sends them—no matter how small. So when I say, “Just one more bite” after my child says he’s full… Or, “It’s not that bad—I bet it doesn’t even hurt”…

I’m unintentionally telling him, “Your body is wrong. Don’t trust it.”

Of course, we mean well. We’re trying to soothe, encourage, or help. But we do this kind of thing all the time, without realizing the cost.

Imagine this:

You’re a child, and one day, you notice something feels off. Your mom or grandmother seems upset. You ask, “What’s wrong?” She smiles and says, “Oh honey, I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong.”

You sensed something in your body—tension, tone, energy. You received a message… and were told to ignore it.

That’s how it starts. Not with trauma. Not with big moments. But with tiny, repeated nudges away from your own inner knowing.

And I don’t want that for my kids.

I want them to always trust their instincts. To believe what their bodies and hearts are telling them. To know, deep down, that they can listen to themselves—and be right.

Meet Your Teens Without Judgment

“That stinks.”

Yep, learning how to validate someone's feelings is that simple.

Those two words say: I get it. I hear you. I can meet you, exactly where you are, you don't have to be anything or anyone different.

Our kids are people who, just like us, can’t always do the thing. Sometimes they miss the mark. Sometimes they mess up something that really mattered to them. And when we meet them in that place—not with judgment or lectures, but with empathy—they feel understood and seen.

They feel safe.

And here’s the really tough part: what if we took it one step further?

What if we removed the judgment of our child altogether?

Not “You failed” or “You’ll do better next time.”

Just: This happened. It stinks. Now what?

It’s not good or bad. It just is.

And the most important question becomes:

“What do you want to do about it?”

That’s the lesson I love teaching my kids—and the one I keep learning myself:

We can’t change what’s already happened.

But we can choose how we respond. And since we're learning how to validate someone's feelings, we can now respond with empathy and deepen our connections.

“Yeah, buddy. That stinks—you couldn’t remember your lines in the play. I get it. So… what do you want to do now? Will you stop trying out for the plays you love? Or will you try something different next time?”

That moment with my friend over coffee?

She said, “You can do it,” and I pushed back. Because at that moment, I really couldn’t—not the way I was going about it.

But then I told her what I was going to do instead. I shared how I was trying to rework the post—to weave together something deeply personal about my mom, a stranger from Facebook, and a moment with my boys. I asked for her thoughts. And that opened the door to real connection.

Not because she fixed it.

But because she listened.

Reflecting The Speaker's Experience Builds Trust

Conversations that use these skills more often than not, are the ones that will help you create trust as a sturdy foundation for your connection.

And, just an interesting fun fact/observation: we don't typically do this with adults. I can’t imagine responding to a friend, “Your boss doesn’t really suck. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine

But how many times have I reflexively said something just like that to my child?

“Your teacher isn’t mean; she’s actually really nice.”

“There’s nothing to worry about; just get through this assignment.”

The truth is, kids are exquisitely self-aware. They may not have the vocabulary or emotional regulation skills to express themselves in appropriate ways (you know – without yelling, stomping, or throwing lasagne…), but they absolutely know how they feel—sometimes even more clearly than we do because they haven't yet been “trained” to squash their feelings.

And when we talk with our friends, we usually don’t deny their experiences or try to talk them out of their feelings. We say things like,

“Dang. Worst boss ever. I’m so sorry. Wanna grab snacks and slash her tires?”

Boom 💥 Relief. Connection. Validation.

Even Oprah agrees: that’s what we all want: to be heard, seen, and acknowledged.

Always be your best, whatever that looks like for you today.

xoxo, Karen