Spoiler Alert: I wrote this post after a beautiful moment of holding space and creating emotional safety for my son. I was learning how to be present with him during the most challenging of times. I grew from the experience as much or more as he did. To create a space where it is safe to feel and express emotions for our teens is one of the best gifts you can ever give yourself or your child.
Moms and sons …we are complicated. But simple tips like creating emotional safety, being present, and learning to live in the moment can strengthen mother and son relationships, keep everyone from feeling like they're walking on eggshells, and it will also profoundly impact the life of your teen.
Here You'll Find:
Sometimes, all you can do to keep from drowning is to be present in the moment at hand and that can be the last place you want to be… Here's what happened.
I know it's what they do. We feed them. They grow up. My adult evolved brain understands that I'm raising them to leave me. But my ancient reptilian brain still can't fathom the chronic sting of the daily “micro separations.” (I just made that up – but I think it's working for me…)
“Hey, buddy – want to play cards?” “Nah. I'll just read.”
“Hey buddy, want to help me with dinner?” “Meh. I'm building with LEGOs.”
“Hey buddy – want to come downstairs and [fill in the blank with anything in the whole wide world]?” “Nah. I'm good.”
How Children View Love and Emotional Safety
Then, the other day, I saw this video explaining how kids view love as they grow up. This was the part that hit home:
It reminded me where I've been falling short. In between the bottomless piles of laundry, schedules, and one physically and emotionally needy Cavalier King Charles Spaniel 🐶🙄, I'd been letting time with my son slip through the cracks. Because he said, “Nah,” I was letting him slip through the cracks.
I remember wishing my parents had engaged in activities that I enjoyed. It would've made doing their stuff – the opera – seem more like a give and take. Why do I have to go to the opera with you if you won't listen to Blondie's “Rapture” with me?
And so I promised myself to go to him more often. Even when I wasn't invited. Especially when I wasn't invited. I wanted him to know that I was there.
My first opportunity came in spades the next day.
Do you know how kids measure love?
“
Until their mid to late teens, children's values are largely time-based. But as they get older, their values are also rooted in activities.
The way you communicate to your teen is through his values.
Identify the values that are important to him.
Does he love video games? Yes?
Great! start playing video games with him.
inspired by Kerwin Rae
Sons Can Be Filled With Drama, Too!
After a particularly tough day between the two of us, my son stomped up the stairs at bedtime screaming “WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME????? I WANT TO BE ALONE!!!”
On other days, I would have giggled at the drama of it all and moved on. But this day had, in fact, been a trying one.
As I took a deep breath, I remembered that he isn't giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time.
That one small quote always changes my perspective from one of anger and frustration to empathy. And I didn't know it when I first read that quote, but that was the beginning of my being able to create emotional safety in our home. It was a good first step. He's not grown enough to have the emotional intelligence to deal with whatever big feelings were storming through him.
So I took another deep breath, and I remembered my promise to go to him more often. In this moment, I wasn't going to play video games, but to reassure him that nobody hated him.
I suggest
these two articles for more depth and related information:
I Found My Son Desperate to Feel Safe 💔
My ten year old had created a nest of blankets on the floor of the hallway upstairs and called it bed for the night. As I calmly climbed the stairs, his voice was strident, brash, and brimming with heartbreak as it shrieked that he wanted to be alone.
I offered to start reading a new book with him. He didn't want me to read to him.
I offered him his kindle. He didn't want to read; he just wanted to go to sleep. By himself.
Then I lay by him. We were head to head, feet facing in opposite directions, and I imagined our blonde hair puddling together on the floor as if Annie Leibovitz herself had posed us.
I could feel him drowning in rage and sadness that he couldn't process.
The only way he could process this tsunami of raw feelings, was to lash out.
He wanted to be alone, he yelled.
“Nobody loves me!” he yelled.
How could this beautiful, smart, and gentle child not know that my soul was created for the purpose of loving him?
Moms and sons sometimes don't get one another.
How could he not know that he and his brother were my life's purpose?
When I heard his words, I felt as if the last ten years of my life were a waste.
And in this moment, when he believed that everyone hated him and he felt alone, lonely, and unloved, the tears streamed down my cheeks and neck into the pillow.
What He Really Wanted
I felt the familiarity of this moment in my bones. I remembered screaming that I wanted to be left alone. But all the while, it was a test. If they loved me, so I thought, they would come for me.
So, I knew that my son didn't really want to be alone. He wanted the feeling of emotional safety that I could provide.
What my son really wanted was to test the strength of my love and commitment to him.
My son wondered whether I would stand by him at, arguably, his most awful or whether I would leave him.
What my son really wanted was a safe place to dump all those big feelings without retaliation.
It's odd. In the most taxing of moments, when so many things that happened during the day had sucked my emotional reserves dry, I was reduced to nothing but the purity of love for my son.
Although the events of the day legitimized my feelings of frustration, rage, fear, sadness, loss, and grief, all I really deeply felt at the bottom of my otherwise empty well was the purity of my love for this gentle boy.
Since I Could Be Present, I Offered Him Emotional Security
He allowed me to lay with him, and I did nothing. I said nothing, except, “I am not leaving you. I won't leave. We'll just stay and sleep here together on the floor.” I discovered that it's enough to be present and to allow our kids to be present with their feelings.
That was it. No lectures or nagging. No yelling, tantrums (mine) or disgust (also mine).
I just held space for him.
“I will be here with you. I am so sorry that you feel nobody loves you. I love you. Whether you want me or not, I will be here with you. I will not leave you.”
This was my deepest understanding yet of the power we have when we are able to connect with our kids – no matter their age. I knew I would follow this parenting path always.
Being Mom is Hard. Pinning Makes it Easier 😉
If this doesn't resonate now, it might later.
Tweens and teens tend to circle back, so go ahead and save this one. 🤭🥰
Parents and Teens Can Repair Moments of Disconnection
And then slowly, this emotionally raw and vulnerable ten year old, peeked out of his self-imposed cocoon and asked, “Since you're going to be here anyway, can you play me a lullaby?”
We lay in the quiet and listened to “All the Pretty Little Horses,” his favorite as a baby. Somehow, in this moment, it was easy to be present.
Slowly he extended another bit of himself, “since you're going to be here anyway, I guess it would be ok for you to lay next to me.” “I could get you a blanket if you want.”
“No, thank you. I'll be here. You take as much space as you need. I'm here.”
And then, the better judgment of my fifty-one year old shoulder and hips prevailed over the unforgiving hardwood floor that felt like a rock. “You know, if you're ok lying with me, we'd probably be much more comfortable in my bed. Wanna' try?”
“Sure.”
And then, another moment of courage on his part. “Since I'm not alone any more and we're here together – I guess it would be ok if you read a story to me.” We started reading The Isle of Dr. Libris.
And we melted.
As we read, he snuggled into my arms and exhaled. The kind of long, satisfying exhale that gets rid of so much more than breath. He exhaled the grief and confusion of the day. He exhaled pain and frustration.
But when he inhaled, I knew that he was taking in my love. He inhaled the resiliency of centuries of mothers and sons and our special mother and son connection. This is the ten year old version of what feeling emotionally safe can do.
And our bond became stronger than it had ever been as we stepped through that moment together.
Moms and sons have a special bond that is simultaneously hard to break and hard to maintain. I will give my son space and know that I've added a tool to my teen mothering toolbox that helps us maintain our mother son relationship.
Repair Refresher
What to do after things have gone sideways…
because we are human. And so they will.
try this to begin repair:
So my story here wasn't about a specific huge moment of conflict – more a day of consistent conflicts. And, honestly, as I write this, I don't even recall the situations of the day. It was more about my son's struggle. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, try simply offering your presence to help your child feel that you are a safe place. Don't offer help or a fix. Don't try to be Olivia Pope. Just offer presence and safety.
And this can be as simple as, “Hey, I know this feels really tough – and that makes sense. I want you to know I'm here for you if you want to talk, or just be together all you have to do is let me know.”
The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy, Dr. Becky Kennedy TED Talk
Always be your best, whatever that looks like for you today.
