Reflective listening sounds like something you'd find in a psychology textbook. And it probably is. Therapists frequently use reflective listening skills they learned in school. But so do baristas! In short, it's a really practical skill you can develop as a mom of tweens and teens, because it gets the results you're looking for – understanding and connection. And by “gets results,” I don't mean in a “give it six weeks and track your results” kind of way. I mean in a “Wow – this worked right away! I mean in a “my fifteen year old kept talking to me” kind of way.
What I'm sharing here is about recognizing that most of us listen to respond. Reflective listening means listening to understand. Totally different things. You'll be amazed at the changes in your relationship, and all the things you'll learn and begin to understand about who your teen is.
Here You'll Find:
Y'all, I am a “let's get this fixed” kinda gal. A problem solver. A solution creator. An Olivia Pope wanna be. And when my boys were younger, that made me the one they felt safe with, the one they came to with a problem. And I genuinely believe that this is one of the hardest things about parenting tweens and teens. We have to begin to let our precious babies go. Begin to let them work things out themselves. Watch Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall, so to speak. And watch them put things back together.
As one of my sons made the transition to a new high school – it was a challenge. The entire first semester, he was frustrated, felt like he was failing every class (which he wasn't), and just a little bit angry. Like, all the time. All the time. Early in the semester, he would tell me specifics about what was going on, what was hard, what a pain one of his teachers was – you know. I got details.
As the second semester started, I commented, “Hey, things must be getting a bit better with classes, because you seem a little bit more relaxed.” I was not prepared for what came next…
“No. It's still hard. I'm just not telling you anymore because you go all bonkers. And tell me I need to do this. And I need to do that.”
What he needed in those moments was not, apparently, what I was offering up. He wanted to be heard. He wanted to be understood. He wanted to be told that his emotional reaction was normal. And when I responded with my “fists of justice” fixes, he wasn't having it.
“
There’s a time for words and a time for silence.
If you’re listening, you’ll hear the difference.
Yasmin Mogahed
The Gift of Listening
When your tween or teen comes to you upset, ever cell in your body wants to help. Because helping feels like fixing. Let's face it, you've lived longer and have a vastly wiser, “righter,” and better perspective on the world that they clearly do not have because they are fourteen. You have lived through approximately forty-four more years of real world experience than they have. And that can feel like being right.
So we try little platitudes like “it'll be fine” and “she probably didn't mean it that way” or “have you tried just talking to him?” And then our child's face drops and their eyes glaze over.
Sound familiar?
Maybe they don't need our reassurance, or are IG ready reframes. Before you are all like 🤬 and get ready to click off the page, hear me out…
It's not that we don't care. Maybe, it's the fact that we care so much that makes it hard to just take a beat. And listen to what they are trying to say. Listen with the intent to understand their experience.
Sometimes when we offer solutions, there's a misfire because we didn't understand that they weren't looking for solutions or fixes. Or Olivia Pope 😉 Maybe they came to us because something hurt, and they needed someone to confirm that the hurt made sense. Not to activate our inner mama bear fists of justice.
The question most of us are asking is “How do I get my child to talk more?” But maybe…just maybe a better question is: “How can I show up in a way that makes my child feel comfortable and safe to share more with me?”
Those are two very different questions. And reflective listening is the answer to the second one.
I suggest
these two articles for more depth and related information:
What Is Reflective Listening?
Okay. Let's get into it, and I promise to keep the therapy-speak to a minimum.
Reflective listening is exactly what it sounds like. Instead of responding to what your teen says with advice, judgment, or your very compelling counterargument, you reflect back what you heard them say. You become a mirror instead of a megaphone.
This does not mean that you're agreeing with them. You're not pretending the situation isn't complicated or nuanced. You're simply showing them that you understood what they said and, most importantly, what they felt.
Reflective listening means more than just staying quiet while your teen talks.
It means reflecting back what you hear so they know you understand. It means, as you are reflecting back, you might ask a clarifying question. This is not a cross-examination. *the former lawyer keeps reminding herself* It might sound like, “I heard that you're really frustrated about unfairness – is that what it feels like to you?” And it means validating what they are experiencing before you do anything else, “Yes, that makes total sense.”
What Are Some Examples of Reflective Listening
Let me make this a little more specific, because “reflect back what you hear” can feel abstract until you've actually tried it at 9pm when someone is crying about a group chat they got left out of.
If there's a homework meltdown, your old response may have been: “Just sit down and do it. It's not that hard.” The new reflective response you might say: “It sounds like you're completely overwhelmed right now. Is it the amount of work or something specific that's feeling impossible?” You didn't do homework for them and you're not letting them off the hook. But you do acknowledge their struggle is real.
Friend drama? Old you: “She's not worth your tears; find better friends.” Reflective you: “That really hurt. It makes sense that you're upset.” You're not telling him the friendship is doomed. You haven't solved anything. But you are letting him know you can sit there and be with him through the feelings. And that regulation is what he needed so that he could get back into thinking mode and decide what to do next.
The closed-door silence. Old: knocking, pushing, “we need to talk about this” or worse yet, “you need to come open this door!” Reflective: a quiet knock, “I'm here when you're ready,” and then – this is hard – let them come to you when they are ready. This way, she comes to you without feeling like she's been pressured into a conversation that she's not ready, or doesn't want, to have.
In real life, using the skill of reflective listening transforms how you respond:
“Don't be dramatic,” becomes “It sounds like you're really frustrated about fairness.”
Instead of “Why would you do that?”try “Help me understand what happened.”
“She's not worth it,” dismisses your child's emotions and belittles somebody else. Let's go with, “That must have really hurt.”
You don't need to launch into the forty-seven things they could have / should have done differently, try something simpler, “That makes sense” or “I can see how you might feel that way.” Full stop. You can not follow that up with, “but…” Only say, I hear you and that makes sense.
In each of these moments, you're not being a pushover. You're not abandoning your values or your authority. You're exercising that authority more effectively by working with your teen's developmental stage instead of against it. Teens talk more freely when they feel you have heard them and you understand them. They will come to you and consider your guidance more often when they know you understand their perspective.
Which, by the way, you still get to do. Reflective listening doesn't mean you never share your perspective. Hearing and understanding earns you the privilege of being heard by your tweens and teens.
What Good Is This Going to Do?
The easiest way to answer this is, you're creating trust. We constantly tell our kids how important it is for us to trust them, and once they break that trust it can be hard to get it back. Trust works both ways. Our kids need to trust that we will listen to understand what they are trying to tell us. Otherwise, they just give up on us. And we experience that as confusion, “Why won't my teen talk to me????”
Another benefit of reflective listening with your tweens and teens is that the skill also connects to emotional intelligence, and this is the part nerdy me just loves. This is a big ole' “two-fer.” (In the south, that's our version of BOGO…)
Like in my example above, when you ask, “is that what it feels like?” You teen might think, “Huh….let me think about that.” Your curiosity triggered them to reach for more of an awareness of what they are feeling.
With self-awareness, your teen gains clarity about their own feelings. And they also feel heard and understood, which naturally leads to more cooperation and less resistance.
You're listening to your teenager in that moment, and that's huge. But you're also doing something else. You're modeling for them how to identify, recognize, and name a feeling.
They begin to trust that their emotions are valid.
You are, right there in that conversation, building emotional intelligence in your teen.
Just by listening. Think about all of that. Just by listening.
Being Mom is Hard. Pinning Makes it Easier 😉
Your teenager needs to feel heard before they can be helped.
Save this one, friend. 🥰
Perfection Not Required
You don't have to get this right every time. In fact, most of us don't remember the exact right words in the exact right moment. I mess up plenty, and my mess ups come with an extra dose of shame since I literally help moms with their teens every day. 😅
What you're going for is what I would call “good enough.” You show up for your family in a new way and that influences their way of showing up. And with reflective listening, you literally don't have to remember anything. You just listen. And then you reflect back what you hears. Maybe you ask for clarity on a feeling they might have. All of us want to be heard. And even more so, understood. Listening to understand will show your children that you care about both.
Repair After Rupture
What to do after things have gone sideways…
because we are human.
try this to begin repair:
So my story here was about my son feeling like my response would be so over the top that it was more than he wanted to or was able to deal with. He internalized the idea that it was easier, or safer, to just not tell me the hard things. And, WOW! That is not the message I want him to live with. So my repair would look something like this:
“Dude, I've been thinking a lot about what you said – about how I make too much of a big deal about school and so you don't want to talk to me about it. Since you've explained it to me, I get that – totally. I still really want to hear how things are going for you. But, I am also acutely aware that you are very capable of handling these situations on your own. Sometimes, you might just want to vent about your day and that's completely okay with me. If there ever is a time that you would like my help with something – just say the word. I will always be here to help. And I will always also be here to just listen. Your choice.”
The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy, Dr. Becky Kennedy TED Talk
The moment your teen keeps talking, even thirty seconds longer than they usually do, is the moment you'll know you're on to something.
Nobody taught us these skills. Nobody intentionally modeled emotional safety for us. But we are learning about it now and hopefully passing it on to our kids. And that has an impact on all of the generations to come.
If you're not sure which part of the Connection-First Approach your family needs most right now, take the 2-minute quiz and find out. You'll see results from your personalized quick-win strategies before dinner is out of the oven.
Always be your best, whatever that looks like for you today.
