How Inner Child Work Absolutely Makes You a Better Mom

Spoiler Alert: A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. When we are securely attached with our children, and we provide what they need in the way that they need it, a mother’s love transforms the way that child grows up and relates to the world and the people in it. But sometimes, as moms, we have some inner child work that needs to happen. so that we can make sure that our children feel truly loved in the way that they need.

I worry that my boys deserve more than my best.

Even my best means that sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I yell. Or I don’t listen. Sometimes I ramble. I definitely ramble a lot. And sometimes I nag.

I wonder if my mother ever worried that her best wasn’t enough. Because it didn’t always feel like it was.

My mother wanted desperately to be a mother. At age thirty-seven, my parents adopted me. She always told me she owed me a special duty because they had chosen to adopt me. (I’m sure she meant no offense to birth mothers – obviously, they also choose and really want their children!)

She took her duty very seriously. Maybe that was the crux of it. Owe. Duty. Serious. Where was the joy in that?

She was always dutiful — both as a mother and a wife. When she saw that our public school wasn’t a good fit, she scrimped and saved and moved me to a different school. She signed me up for gymnastics, ballet, horseback riding, piano lessons, everything and anything that was available. In her mind, that’s what good mothers do.

Is It Time To Start Your Journey Toward Wholeness?

Now that I’m a mother and I’ve had a chance to process my own upbringing, I’ve figured out the one thing about motherhood that nobody tells you:

We instinctively try to give our children what we missed. 💔

My mother experienced deep loss and grief as a child, so she didn’t feel safe or known as a child. What she craved was consistency and structure. So she gave me consistency and structure. And she gave me opportunities that she never could have dreamed of.

But what I wanted was her, to know her. Even if it wasn’t all pretty.

I can’t be sure if she didn’t want to give me her pain, or if she just didn’t know how to offer anything else. She was a private person with a history full of grief: childhood trauma, caretaking a dying father, losing her sister to cancer far too young. Maybe she believed protecting me from all of that made her a good mother.

And maybe it did. But the absence was still felt.

Doing Our Best

Once I began to see my mother in her wholeness, and not just in her “mother-ness,” I realized we all love our children in the best way we know how. My mother loved me fiercely, with the tools she was given. We all – mothers and children alike – do the best we can with the tools we are given.

So, stay with me here…maybe it’s time to examine our tool set. 🤯

Because if we don’t stop to examine what tools we have mastered and what tools aren’t even in our tool box – if we don’t take time for inner child work – we end up parenting with a tool set that has missing pieces.

Think about it like this. Remember when you put together that IKEA [insert name of your thing here]? Once you were done, you had 34 pieces left over and thought, “That can’t be right? Why isn’t this stuff in the media center?” So there may be some “stuff” missing from your mothering toolbox as well.

What Is Inner Child Work?

Your inner child is a metaphor for a younger you, within your mind. She embodies all your childhood experiences – positive and negative – as well as the emotional impact of those experiences, particularly those that were traumatic or emotionally significant.

Inner child work (or healing your inner child) means reconnecting with this younger you that you may have lost touch with. This process of inner child healing involves increasing your self-awareness, connecting with your inner child, and feeling emotions you repressed as a child. Sometimes inner child work involves treating yourself with all the love, compassion, and patience you deserved as a child. Inner Child Treatments

In short, if you have harmful emotional habits or behaviors, examining childhood wounds can help you live as a more whole or complete version of yourself.

Inner Child Work Isn’t Only About You

Here’s the secret: what I missed as a child might not be what my sons need.

That’s the trap for the unwary. We pour all our energies into the places where we felt empty and hope our efforts make our children feel full.

But their needs are their own – different. Their wounds aren’t the ones we carry. Yet. But if we don’t do the healing work, they will be.

So I work to really see who my kids are, not who I was. I’m working to meet them where they are — not where I was left.

And I’m learning to show up with my full self. Even the parts I’m not proud of. Even the parts I’m still trying to repair.

That’s what inner child work looks like IRL: I’m not trying to be perfect, but I am trying to be present. I don’t always know the “right” thing to do. But I do know that trying to be always emotionally regulated around my kids and staying connected with them will allow me to figure out the next right step.

I’ll still lose my temper. I’ll still ramble. I’ll still nag. But I’ve started this journey and I’ve shared my personal story of how I learned Healing My Inner Child To End To the 🐂 💩 was a thing for me.

So as I keep chipping away at this inner child work, I hope to raise children who feel seen and loved and who know that their mom did the work.

And that’s worth everything.

One Final Thought

If this resonates for you, you might be in the midst of your inner child work, or you may be realizing that you have some inner child work to tend to. Either way, you’re carrying the heavy emotional weight of your work and trying to be a good mom at the same time. I made something to help.

Design the Life That Actually Fits You is a set of 30 affirmation cards created for moms to gently remind themselves to be gentle with themselves and to focus on what actually matters while you’re doing this work. Each card is a cue to come back to yourself. To reconnect with what matters.

Your kids don’t need a perfect mom.

We always say that we’d die for our children. But are we also willing to do our own emotional work for them?

Beginning your inner child work might be the greatest gift you ever give them.