Is My Tween Overscheduled? How to Spot the Signs (And What Actually Helps)

Spoiler Alert: Have you ever silently wondered, “Is my tween overscheduled?” It turns out there are signs when kids are overscheduled, and the answer might be easier than you think. Tweens who are short-tempered, stressed, or exhausted might not be just “tweens” or “in a phase.” They might be running on empty, a lot like moms sometimes are.

We can all be overstimulated by packed schedules, screen overload, and the general intensity of a culture that both glorifies busy and pushes kids harder and harder at younger and younger ages. So let's figure out what overscheduling might really cost you, your child, and your family.

Setting Expectations for Tweens

I often wonder why we're surprised when our children behave in rude, disrespectful, or other ways we don't want. Our children are bombarded with adult-level pressures and intensity all day long. And if we look at their nervous systems, we can add in the intensity of social media, influencers, body image, videos, AI, and video games. Always with a heaping side of middle school drama.

Then we expect them not to be grumpy, quiet, brooding, or explosive; to attend calmly to the tasks we require of them; and to show appropriate impulse control. Honestly, it's more than we could ever expect of ourselves. (But, maybe that's just me.)

I'm not saying that their hormones aren't running amok or that there aren't other things happening that we have no control over. But there are ways parents can help. There are ways that we can balance their daily activities that will relieve some of the pressure build-up.

What Are the Signs of Overscheduling?

First things first. How do you know if your tween is overscheduled? You might already know if you have an overscheduled tween or teen, but just in case, these are a few signs or behaviors you might see from a tween suffering from over scheduling:

Always remember that overscheduling may look different for different kids. A level of scheduling that may overwhelm one child, maybe another child's “just right.”

And don't forget yourself in all this. Some moms are more or less overwhelmed by the schedule – especially if you have several kids and you're the chief Uber-driver. I know many families who limit each child to one activity per semester for just this reason.

The Kids Are Not Alright

Adolescents today have a reputation for being more fragile, less resilient and more overwhelmed than their parents were when they were growing up. Sometimes they’re called spoiled or coddled or helicoptered. But a closer look paints a far more heartbreaking portrait of why young people are suffering. Anxiety and depression in high school kids have been on the rise since 2012 after several years of stability. It’s a phenomenon that cuts across all demographics–suburban, urban and rural; those who are college bound and those who aren’t. 

In 2015, about 3 million teens ages 12 to 17 had had at least one major depressive episode in the past year, according to the Department of Health and Human Services. More than 2 million report experiencing depression that impairs their daily function. About 30% of girls and 20% of boys–totaling 6.3 million teens–have had an anxiety disorder, according to data from the National Institute of Mental Health. (Teen Depression and Anxiety: Why the Kids Are Not Alright)

Why Do We Overschedule Our Tweens?

We are well-meaning. But we live in a culture that glorifies busy-ness. It's a culture where parents get bragging rights for each activity our child is enrolled in. And in this culture, the “good parents,” squeeze every last second out of each day. They schedule every minute of every day to give kids every opportunity possible. And, as I've recently learned, with ninth graders, to start building those resumes for college! 😳 Y'all. What in the world? 🌍

So is it us pushing this drive to for constant scheduling?

Spoiler Alert: If you want to do things differently in your home, you will definitely be swimming upstream. You may face snark or disapproval.

Our Family's Approach to Overscheduling Tweens

When we come home after school, both boys scatter. One heads up to his room. He's looking for quiet because he recharges in solitude. The other heads downstairs to play games with his friends online. He also wants to recharge, but he recharges by connecting with people.

Both are looking for a respite from the intensity of their day “out there.” Our home is a safe place where we discourage all of the tween and teen pressures they find “out there.” I want them to be able to leave that outside. And it's not always possible – but there are ways to check some of it at the door!

I want to show them that their worth is not determined by how long they can be stressed out and exhausted from racing from one activity event to the next. They not normalize eating family dinner in the car. I want them to develop skills in emotional intelligence and communication more than I want them to have a good golf swing.

Our solution in our home is to only schedule things that we love and that add greatly to the quality of our lives. In short, if it isn't a “HELL YES,” it's a “Thank-you, but no.” Being able to talk to your kids so that you understand their priorities and passions is key. I've come up with an easy way to get that conversation started without it turning into an interrogation. ⬇️

So what do we do instead? I'm definitely not suggesting that you replace your current activities with different activities. It's about safe-guarding the foundational building blocks of resilience. This is the stuff that seems so simple that it doesn't matter; but it actually matters the most. (Building Stress Resilience)

Movement is crucial to shifting from their school situation to home. Teachers tend to constantly micromanage and keep them in chairs for most of the day.

I prioritize cooking a healthy meal. (I really do, but there are times when “I” is more the “aspirational me” than the “actual me.”) We eat together – admittedly sometimes – in front of the television. But that's just our thing sometimes. I remember being exhausted when I got home from work and wanting nothing more than to flop down in front of the tv with my dinner some nights. Kids are no different.

When they were little, I also worked really hard to get everyone to bed on time for a good night's sleep. Because of that, I think they now understand the difference a good night's sleep makes. They've grown and their internal clocks are either: 1. convincing them to double down on sleep because their days are taxing; or 2. turning them in to creatures of the night. I have one of each variety.

Good nutrition, plenty of movement, and a good night's sleep each deposit a certain amount of resilience into an “account,” if you will, that they withdraw from as needed the next day. And just like real bank accounts, the more they can put in, the more they have available to draw on later.

But What Do I Fill That Time With?

I hear you. The thought of reducing their schedule so they can hide in their rooms with their little faces glued to a screen and AirPods or headphones on their ears, probably isn't the reset you're hoping for.

And yes, you will hear “I'm booooored!!!!!!!” or “Mom, what am I supposed to do???” roughly forty-seven times the first week (or hour). But that's ok.

Kids discover what they are passionate about by exploring lots of different things, following rabbit holes, and crafting experiences with other kids – without adult guidance. When they join activities organized, planned, and overseen by adults, they don't have freedom for their own exploration. Leonore Skenazy interview.

PDF (wait, what?)

Here's what Stanford research says kids really need every single day: Playtime, Downtime, and Family Time.

Dr. Denise Pope calls it “PDF.” It stands for “playtime, downtime, and family time.” These three kinds of time build resilience, protect mental health, and engage kids with their lives again.

Playtime may sound like it's only for preschool kids, but it isn't. Playtime means unstructured, kid-directed time—not another adult-led activity.

Expert Dr. Peter Gray defines play as activities that are “self-chosen and self-directed; intrinsically motivated, guided by mental rules (which provide structure to the activities), imaginative, and conducted in an alert, active, but relatively unstressed frame of mind.”

If you look carefully, play does not include joining a baseball team, horseback riding, Boy Scouts, or ballet class. While those activities may be “fun,” they are not considered “play” because they are not self-directed. Some researchers have gone so far as to categorize organized sports as “school” since kids are still learning under the instruction of an adult.

Here's a theory about why kids are struggling: there's almost no escape from somebody watching them, judging them, assisting them, teaching them, and grading them, whether with a trophy or an actual grade. Imagine if you were micromanaged like that at work. You'd go bonkers. “Stop telling me everything I have to do! Let me have a little breathing room and figure out what I like to do, what I'm good at, what I enjoy.” Our kids deserve that same breathing room. Leonore Skenazy interview.

Downtime means doing nothing. Not having an agenda or plan (Yes, really. Some people apparently do this. 🫤). Since most of us don't know what that looks like, here are some examples:

• Leave time for sitting outside, hanging around on the couch, reading, listening to music, watching TV, napping. Let kids chill out.
• Let teens sleep in.
• Let kids be bored. Let them unwind.
• Read together. Talk about the books or articles you're reading, and ask them what they want to read.
• Fight the urge to always tell kids to “do something” when they're just sitting around. (Please don't take this to the extreme!)

If you need some ideas, grab my Binge the Books list. It's perfect for filling the downtime without filling the calendar!

Family time means face-to-face IRL conversation where you look them in the eyeballs. Even if you have to look up because they're that much taller than you. You ask real questions. And they give you real answers (I know – whaaaat??? IYKYK) None of this costs money. None of it requires a signup sheet. And all of it deposits directly into that resilience bank account your overscheduled tween has been withdrawing from all week.

Their professed boredom and comments about how “dumb” your latest idea is, are just withdrawal symptoms and they won't last. They'll adjust. In fact, “nearly three-quarters of U.S. teens say they feel happy (74 percent) or peaceful (72 percent) when they are away from their phones.” (Pew Research Center)

Our kids don't know a world without the distraction of their devices. And on the other side of your “dumb” idea, may just be the kid who remembers how to just be. Giving them a break from the devices might be just the perfect gift. 💝

Could a Lack of Time for “Play” Be Part of the Problem?

Expert Dr. Peter Gray defines play as activities that are “self-chosen and self-directed; intrinsically motivated, guided by mental rules (which provide structure to the activities), imaginative, and conducted in an alert, active, but relatively unstressed frame of mind. The Art of Play

If you look carefully, play does not include joining a baseball team, horseback riding, Boy Scouts, or ballet class. And while those activities may be “fun,” they are not considered “play” because they are not self-directed.

When playing, kids are not doing what an adult wants them to do. So “there's just this giant difference between free time and adult-supervised, adult-organized, time. And as parents, we've almost forgotten that like soccer and little league and chess and kumon are all adult…they're school…they're still school. There's an adult still running the show.

And one of the theories about why kids are depressed these days – they hate school. I mean, there's almost no escape from somebody watching you, judging you, assisting you, and teaching you, and grading you, you know whether it's with a trophy or an actual grade and there's no down time. Imagine if you were micromanaged like that at work…you'd just be going crazy, like, “Stop telling me everything I have to do!”…Let me have a little breathing room and figure out what I like to do, what I'm good at, what I enjoy…” Leonore Skenazy interview.

What It Feels Like to Be a Tween Today

Yes, this is a frustrating time for parents. We feel like tweens don't listen to us; they can be grumpy; and we have no idea why they do some things that, frankly, just seem strange.

Let's put ourselves in their shoes for a minute. It's a frustrating and frightening time for them too.

Your 9-12 year old is facing choices we never had to make at that age. Friend drama that feels overwhelming. Pressure to fit in. Moments when doing the right thing costs something important.

Tweens and young teens feel intense pressure about a lot of things. They worry about whether they are doing or even wearing the right thing; whether new experiences will be embarrassing; and all sorts of other things that many times, as adults, we can't even fathom. And they feel this intense pressure constantly.

So what do they actually need from us? Not another lecture. Not a list of rules. They need practice—low-stakes opportunities to think through hard situations before the real moment arrives.

You've Got This

I know this is hard. Pulling back when every other parent is leaning in feels like there's something wrong with you. I know that saying “no” to one more activity when your tween's best friend is doing all of them takes a kind of courage nobody warns you about.

But here's what I want you to sit with tonight: your kid doesn't need a fuller schedule. They need a fuller tank. And sometimes the bravest thing you can do as a mom is to protect the empty space—the boring, unproductive, beautifully pointless space—where your kid gets to just be a kid.

You're not falling behind. You're choosing what actually matters. And that? That's the kind of parenting your tween won't thank you for today but will absolutely thank you for later.

Always be your best, whatever that looks like for you today.

xoxo, Karen