Moms Who Can’t Take a Mental Health Day, Now What?

Image of mom slumped against the washing machine on the floor - she looks exhausted and overwhelmed. Concept of mother of teens or tweens exhausted and not knowing how to keep going with all the chaos in her home and family

I've been talking with moms of teens and tweens about their biggest struggles. And here's one that keeps coming up over and over: exhausted moms. Depleted moms. “I have nothing left to give” moms.

And because I really want you to understand how “not alone” you are, here is some of what I've heard:

“I've tried almost everything and feel like I have no control at all.”

“I've been literally sick to my stomach for 2 days wondering what the next issue is going to be.”

“Every day seems to be a new challenge and heartbreak.”

“I feel at my wit's end.”

And the one that sums up every exhausting thought every mom of teens and tweens ever had:“It never f-ing ends.”

If you've had any version of these thoughts running through your head at 2am, it's not just you. And you're not failing.

What's Really Happening

You're depleted. If you doubt me and think that this is just something you need to “just walk off,” check out what the Cleveland Clinic has to say about “depleted mother syndrome.”

Not lazy. Not weak. Not “bad at this.” Drained.

I'll confess, this is my biggest struggle. Doing or fixing things nobody even asked me – or needed me – to fix.

And here's possibly the most frustrating part: you cannot connect with your teen when your nervous system is in survival mode.

Connection-first parenting requires a regulated parent. But we don't really talk about what happens when mom is the one who's dysregulated, exhausted, and running on fumes. Other than to offer a bubble bath or a mani-pedi.

There is no strategy in the world that will work if you're too overwhelmed to use it. This isn't a parenting problem. This isn't a connection / disconnection problem. This is a you problem. And I say that with all the love and compassion in the world, my friend. ♥️

Your wholeness matters.

Tonight's Action Plan

Before you try to fix anything with your teen:

TRY:

  • Name it: “I am exhausted and I can't keep going like this.
  • Lower the expectation: Tonight's goal isn't connection. It's survival. That's okay.
  • Claim 10 minutes for you: Sit in your car. Put headphones on and breathe in each one of the ten minutes where no one needs anything from you.
  • Stop being “on”: “Tonight, I do not have to be patient, calm, or wise.”
  • Repeat to yourself:  “I am the very best me I can be right now. This is what my best looks like in this moment. And that's okay.”

www.grassrootsparenting.com

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Why This Works for Any Exhausted Mom

You can't give what you don't have.

Every parenting strategy requires emotional bandwidth. And if you are an exhausted mom and don't have that bandwidth, sharing strategies with you just equals more stress, overwhelm, and one more thing to figure out.

Sometimes the most important parenting strategy is taking care of the parent. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to tell your kids:

“I love you, and still. That is not something that I can do, attend to, or help you with right now.”

karen Patten, grassrootsparenting

This isn't only so you can show up better for your teen.

It's because you matter, too.

Save this before you forget…

(no judgement from me!)

Image of mother of teens having time to herself with a journal and a cup of coffee - concept of exhausted mom of tweens and teens
image of a mature exhausted mom collapsed on the sofa at home - mom of tweens dan teens

You know how it goes—you read something helpful, and think “I'll remember that,” Then you draw a complete blank when you're eating their dust. Pin it now. 📌

What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (I'll Tell You What I Know…)

Let me first say, those suckers can do more than you think. If you aren't fixing dinner tonight, I guarantee you they will figure out how to feed themselves. (Granted: if they're younger, you might want to put a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter on the counter.)

You're not abandoning them. You're tending to your overworked nervous system. There's a difference between “I'm not available for anything” and “Tonight, ‘showing up' looks a bit different.” Showing up empty, snarling and snapping at everyone, and collapsing as you emotionally beat yourself up isn't really doing anyone any good. A regulated, present-enough mom beats a resentful, running-on-fumes mom every time.

If empty is what you're typically bringing to the party, that's not just a rough week. It's something that I strongly encourage you to become curious about. Chronically feeling overwhelmed often points to something bigger: not enough support, being a people pleaser and always saying “yes”, boundaries that need reinforcing, or your own needs buried so deep you forgot that you have needs too.

Lordy, Lordy friend. I sure used to think so. Until I broke. Ten years ago on a former incarnation of this very website, I for reals wrote a post called, “I'm Not Putting My Oxygen Mask on First.” #rookie

The truth is, it's simple math. You can't give what you don't have. When you restore yourself, you're not taking something away from your family, because there wasn't anything there in that moment.

The mom guilt? That's the bs myth that we are supposed to be able to do it all. It's the same bs myth that taught you not to shine too brightly or take up too much space, or that everyone else's needs come first. It was wrong then. It's wrong now.

Just say precisely that to your child. “I can see you need me, and I want to be here for you. I'm running on empty right now and I need 20 minutes so I can actually show up. I'm not going anywhere; I just need a minute.”

You're not rejecting them. You're modeling that people have limits, and that asking for what you need is healthy. That's a lesson worth teaching.

*Tweens and teens often don't have the same definition of “need right now” that adults do. I had a friend whose husband was a pediatric ER doctor. He used to ask, “Is somebody crying or screaming? Yes? Then it's okay.” His point being, they were conscious. I used to ask my boys, “Is there blood or can you see a bone poking out? No? Then it can wait.” My mother used to say, “it's not cancer, you'll live.”

I admit – blood and bone is not my genuine threshold and I share (my part of this) tongue in cheek. However, there is little that genuinely can't wait for twenty minutes. Think about it.

Every mom's situation is different. Take the 2-minute quiz to discover your Connection-First parenting style—and get strategies that actually fit how you're wired.

TAKE THE QUIZ NOW!

After you get your result – email me at karen@grassrootsparenting.com. I read every message and I love hearing what's actually happening in your house. Tell me your specific situation and I'll help if I can.

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Always be your best, whatever that looks like for you today.

xoxo, Karen